


The Language of Silence

by xenzen



Series: A city boy from Earth and a farm girl from Mindoir [3]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, Biotics, Complete, F/M, Humor, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-19
Updated: 2013-01-19
Packaged: 2017-11-26 01:56:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/645267
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xenzen/pseuds/xenzen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In a galaxy where the Reapers have invaded, diplomats need to be placated, civilizations cry out to be saved, and deals must be made, Shepard has just one more damned thing to deal with. It's a good thing Kaidan is there to help her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Language of Silence

This was a mistake.

That was the thought circling around and around in Kaidan's head as he stepped out of the elevator and stared at the closed doors of Shepard's quarters. He wasn't ready for a conversation, much less a confrontation, but he seemed to be the only one who'd noticed something was wrong. From the way Shepard had been acting, it didn't look like she'd want Liara or anyone else to know she had a problem. 

It didn't seem right to talk to Dr. Chakwas behind Shepard's back, either - not that he really expected the doctor to be all that forthcoming - which left _him_ standing on the threshold to the commander's cabin. Someone had to talk to her before innocent bystanders got hurt, and he had the most experience in dealing with powerful, potentially unstable human biotics.

He wondered what sins he had committed to earn this sort of punishment.

Kaidan paced back and forth along the narrow landing, alternating between holding his head and rubbing his neck. He almost wished for a migraine, so that he could have a valid excuse to slink back down to the observation deck and, well, hide. No point in sugarcoating it.

All right, so he was going to have to talk to her, but... what the hell was he going to say? Shepard wasn't one of his students or soldiers - well, okay, technically he _could_ order her around because he outranked her now, but that would be so the wrong way to go about things. No, material rank aside, they were partners now, equals, Spectres, even - at long last. The thought was... more reassuring than he expected.

A hologram of a blue sphere popped up on a panel next to the door, nearly startling him right out of his skin. Well, it was better than seeing the face of the synthetic that'd nearly killed him. He still wasn't used to EDI's new body; the sight of it always made his hackles rise, no matter how hot it was. His lips quirked, remembering the brief look of irritation on Shepard's face when he'd made that crack about how good EDI looked.

The grin faded before it could fully form. He was stalling, and he knew it.

"Commander Shepard does not wish to be disturbed, Major Alenko. Would you like to leave a message?"

Well, there was his perfectly valid excuse; he could retreat now and, except for EDI, no one would be the wiser. _Who are you trying to kid?_ He couldn't stop trying to take care of her, anymore than Shepard could stop trying to save the galaxy.

Taking a deep breath, he released it and said on the exhalation, "It's urgent. I need to speak to Shepard."

There was a pause as EDI relayed the request, then it said, "I am sorry, Major Alenko, but Commander Shepard does not want visitors at this time."

Kaidan rubbed the bridge of his nose and thought about his options. It would be a serious invasion of privacy if he tried to force his way in, not exactly an easy task in the first place, not with an AI guarding the door. He was about to make a tactical retreat when he heard a heavy thump.

"What was that?" he asked EDI.

The hologram was still active, waiting patiently for him; it took a moment for the AI to answer, which was a long time for a computer. "I do not know. Per Commander Shepard's request, there are no monitors inside her quarters."

"Does she usually make a lot of noise?"

EDI's answer was more confident and immediate this time. "No."

"Open the door," Kaidan said, raising his omni-tool towards the panel. "Override on my authority."

"Override accepted, Major Alenko." It might have been his imagination, but he thought he heard a hint of relief in the AI's words. "Shall I alert Dr. Chakwas?"

Kaidan hesitated. "No, not yet - I mean, it might be nothing. I'm a fully trained field medic - if it's serious, I'll let you know."

"Very well. Logging you out, Major."

The doors opened, revealing the most spacious cabin he'd ever seen on a warship. The air was as metallic and musty as the rest of the ship, but the new plastic smell was leavened with a subtle scent of incense or spice. He had a brief glimpse of a large fish tank and gleaming model ships in a display case, but most of his attention was focused on Shepard, who was curled up on the floor, tendrils of blue flame playing over her body.

Whatever afflicted her, it didn't stop Shepard from raising her hand, fingers already moving in a mnemonic as she turned to face him. A biotic corona flared around her, but instead of a steady blue glow, it flickered like a malfunctioning neon sign.

"Shepard!" Kaidan ran over and knelt next to her, reaching out with his hand, omni-tool lit.

" _Don't touch me!_ " she snarled through gritted teeth as she scrambled away from him. Her biotic barrier collapsed, revealing her flushed and sweaty face.

Taken aback by the unexpected hostility, he took refuge in his professional demeanor, a clinical and calm facade that hid his worry - and just a little fear. He didn't need his omni-tool to remind him that he was kneeling next to someone who had the new L5x implant augmenting her already formidable biotics - and that they seemed to be out of control.

"I'm not going to hurt you, Shepard. I just want to help," he said in his most soothing tones. Quashing an irrational twinge of annoyance at this display of her distrust - it was just anger hiding fear, a perfectly normal response, he reminded himself - he concentrated on her vital signs, which were about what he'd expected: elevated heart rate and temperature, rapid breathing, rising blood pressure, and... an abnormally high level of endorphins?

He took a surreptitious glance around, but there were no incriminating needles or pill bottles lying around, not even a patch wrapper. Maybe it was just an idiosyncratic reaction to a perfectly ordinary drug Dr. Chakwas had recommended after their last mission; Shepard was allergic to most of the common painkillers. A good theory - except this had been happening since before he'd been invited back aboard the _Normandy_.

"Are you in pain?"

Shepard's lips twisted as she leaned against the bedside table and wrapped her arms around her knees; she clasped her hands together, hard enough for her knuckles to turn white. "Pain I can handle."

Kaidan vented an exasperated sigh as he stood up and picked up an empty glass on the bedside table. He went to the bathroom and filled it with cold water, casting a slightly envious eye on the spacious shower stall, and went back out.

He sat down cross-legged beside her, close but not touching, and handed her the glass. "Work with me here, Shepard. What's going on with you?"

She didn't look at him as she drank the water. Setting the empty glass down on the floor, she patted absently at the pockets of her BDUs, coming up with a half-gnawed cinnamon stick that she put in her mouth. He folded his arms, determined to wait her out, even as something tightened inside him as he watched her lips.

"You're not going to go away, are you?" Shepard finally growled, the stick in her mouth meandering from one side to the other.

Ignoring the little shivers that ran up and down his spine at the sound of her husky voice, Kaidan said, "Nope."

Shepard leaned her head back against the table and said nothing, not even bothering to say that she could have him tossed out with just one word to EDI - there were plenty of marines on board who'd do anything their commander said if she just crooked a finger, and not just because she was their superior officer. For that matter, she could damn well toss him out all by herself.

"So how long has this been going on?" He sighed when she didn't answer. "Fine, be that way. How about I tell you my guess, and you just nod your head for 'yes' and shake it for 'no'?"

The cinnamon stick dipped slightly, then righted itself; had that been a smirk? Maybe even a smile? He could hope, right? 

"Mars," Kaidan said, his gaze intent on her face, and saw the answer there in the almost imperceptible tightening of her lips and the lines deepening on her brow. "Anderson didn't - he doesn't know, does he?"

Shepard took the cinnamon out of her mouth and stared at the bite marks on it like it was the most fascinating thing she'd ever seen. "We hadn't fought together in years. He's smart - but he's not a biotic. Besides, there was an invasion going on at the time, so I can't really blame him."

Except there was an undertone of resentment in her voice that suggested that she really did want to blame the admiral.

"It was hard, wasn't it, coming back," he said, and it wasn't quite a question.

"No," Shepard said, surprising him. "That was easy. It was staying that was hard." She glanced at him, and added, "You have a family, you stayed in the Alliance - you can't possibly know how hard it is to lose everything, to lose your purpose, to lose the _place_ you made for yourself, to lose the entire structure of your life, and there's just a, a huge, gaping hole where it used to be, but I had to keep fighting anyway."

Kaidan stilled, listening to her even voice, to the effort it took her to keep it steady. There was an energy around her, held back in such tight control that not a flicker of blue betrayed it, but he still felt it, as palpable as the hum from the Conduit.

"I do, actually," he said, remembered pain making his voice hoarse and rusty. It wasn't just the grief from her death, but also the uncertainty, now that she was back and here to stay. They might work well together in a fight - even better than before - but it was another matter entirely once they were off the battlefield.

Maybe he should've taken that post with Hackett after all, but he couldn't just leave things alone after he'd held a gun on her, for God's sake, without salvaging at least friendship from the wreckage he'd made of things. He'd never be able to live with himself for wasting the opportunity to make things right, or at least as right as they could be, with the galaxy falling to the Reapers whole systems at a time.

"You didn't lose everything." Shepard looked away, leaving him to stare at her profile. "You don't know how much I envy you." Was there a hint of pain just as raw as his own in her words? She was too good at hiding her feelings - the proof was in the number of times she'd demolished James at poker.

"No, but it felt like I'd lost everything that really mattered," Kaidan said, wondering just what that little catch he'd heard in her voice really meant. "Surviving isn't the same as living. Duty... isn't enough. I used to think it was, but... it's really not."

She put the stick back into her mouth and said out of one side of her lips, "No, but it can keep you going for just long enough to get things done."

"Yeah." He watched her chew on the cinnamon for a moment before he spoke. "So what happens after you're finally done?"

Shepard snorted. "There's always another job to do after that - and if you can't find anything, someone will give it to you."

"No time to rest, huh?"

She gave him an unreadable look. "I spent six months sitting on my ass - doesn't that count?"

Kaidan shifted, suddenly uncomfortable, and stretched his legs out. "I should've... I should've asked them if I could come and see you."

Her expression softened a little. "I would've liked that, but they'd never let it happen, not while I was still covered in political bullshit - some of it might've stuck to you. I didn't realize it at the time, but when you told me Udina offered you the Spectre position, it was obvious they'd been grooming you for that for a while. Of course they wouldn't want you to associate with a known terrorist."

He winced at her reasonable, matter-of-fact tone; he almost wished she'd be angry and yell at him. "That's no excuse. I should've tried harder. Called in a few favors. Something."

Shepard patted his shoulder, for all the world as if she was the one comforting him instead of the other way around. "The thing about being a good soldier is that you have to follow orders. You know that."

"So, uh... what did you do? You must've gone stir crazy with nothing to occupy your time," he said, still feeling the warmth of her hand even though she had stopped touching him. It was the first physical contact she'd initiated that wasn't a professional handshake - though there had been that playful shove on Mars... No, that didn't count, they'd both been in armor, and neither did her hug when he'd told her about his dad.

She shrugged one shoulder. "About what you'd expect. They didn't give me extranet access for a month, and when they did, it was incoming only - and I wouldn't be surprised if they'd logged all activity. The third month, I got access to the firing range, and trained my biotics when I'd used up my daily quota of ammunition. James would cuff me when he let me out for interrogations and debriefings, but other than that, I was left alone for the most part. They gave me a room with a window, but I was still bored out of my skull."

Kaidan was relieved that at least her house arrest hadn't been an ordeal. "I'm glad they didn't keep the dampeners on you all the time - they can cause permanent brain damage if they're left on too long."

"I suspect Anderson had something to do with that." 

A subtle bitter note in her tone made him ask gently, "What's bothering you?"

Shepard frowned down at her hands, clasped loosely now in her lap. "If they'd just trusted me enough to leave the goddamned dampeners off, maybe I could've saved some of the people in the courtroom when the Reapers hit Vancouver."

"You don't know that -"

She cut him off with a curt wave. "I _do_ know that, Kaidan. I spent months in the field, testing the limits of the new implant and what I can do now with my biotics."

Kaidan ducked his head so that he could see her face. "Shepard, you know people still see us as dangerous freaks - not even Alliance Command is exempt from it. Sure, they're happy enough to recruit biotics, but that doesn't mean they don't keep an eye on us."

The commander glared at him. "So you're saying they were right to chain me up like a misbehaving dog? Is that it?"

He raised his hands. "No, of course not - but come on, we both know you got off lightly."

If Shepard's glare could kill, Kaidan was sure he'd be nothing but a pile of ashes. Then she just sighed and slumped back against the table. "I know you're right, it's just... what's the point of having this kind of power if I can't use it?" She began to punch the floor in frustration.

Kaidan caught her hand before she could hurt herself. "Wait, hold on a second - there's something more to this, isn't there? You didn't really think you could protect those people in the courtroom from a freaking Reaper beam, do you?"

The commander ran her free hand through her hair, looking more tired than he'd ever seen her. "You're too smart for your own good, Kaidan."

"And you're stalling."

She took her hand away so that she could scrub her face; his fingers twitched before he could still them. "All those people in the courtroom... they were soldiers, they knew what they signed up for - okay, it wasn't to get fried by a giant laser beam, but they knew the score. But there was this kid... I used to watch him play on one of the rooftops when I was stuck in my cell, and I wondered whose kid he was, because he was there every day if the weather was good. Some admiral's son, maybe, I don't know even know his name.

"He was hiding in the ducts when Anderson and I were scrambling for the spaceport, and I wasn't quick enough to grab him. The next time I saw him, he was getting on a shuttle. I thought, I really thought he was going to make it, but then that Reaper destroyer just... just flicked the shuttle out of the sky, like you or I might kill a fly. Like it was nothing."

"Shepard..." Kaidan said, hearing her teeth grind on the cinnamon. He hesitated, then slung his arm around her shoulders, because she was hunched over now, like she was in pain, though it wasn't a pain that could be cured with meds. Or maybe she was just bowed down by the weight of all the death she'd seen. Bent but not broken. Yet.

He squeezed her shoulder. "You never get used to seeing dead civilians... and it's even worse when they're children."

"Yeah." She took in a shuddering breath, and he felt her trembling for a moment before she regained her composure. 

Did she recover too fast? Maybe she was just shoring up a facade for his sake, and he didn't want that, he didn't need her to be Commander Shepard, presenting a strong front to reassure her troops, or give a rousing speech to raise morale. Then again... would she ever let someone who wasn't a close friend see her like this?

"Do you really think you could've saved him?"

Shepard straightened, and he let his arm fall away. "I don't know. I just know I should've tried harder." Her lips twitched into something that was too full of black humor to be a smile. "Don't worry - I'm not deluded enough to think my biotics are strong enough to stand up to a blast from a Reaper's main gun."

"That's a relief," he said in his driest tone, and grinned when she gave him a shove.

He had never known any biotic brave enough to go back under the knife again, and he knew he'd never submit to something that would mess with his brain, even for a life free of migraines; the vast array of possible complications far outweighed the benefits.

"What's it like?" Kaidan asked with genuine curiosity; it was something he'd wanted to ask her since she'd told him about her new L5x implant on Horizon.

Shepard looked uncomfortable; he guessed he would be, too. "It's... well, there's no question that my biotics are more powerful. I can do more with less, I don't get tired when I should be, and I don't seem to need more food to compensate for the added load."

"Yeah, I noticed that on Mars - you hardly needed any time at all to recover before you could use your biotics again."

The cinnamon stick tilted up as she slanted a small, sly smile at him, and nudged an elbow into his side. "You weren't too shabby, yourself. Liara said you'd become very capable - but I knew you always were."

He raised an eyebrow at her. "Are you flirting with me, trying to make me blush, or are you just avoiding the question I asked at the beginning of this conversation?"

Her smile faded. "Can't it be all of the above?"

Before he let himself think about it too much, he put his hand over hers. Her skin was warmer than that of a normal human, like his, betraying her biotic metabolism. "Shepard, you know you couldn't have saved them all, right?"

Shepard's teeth clenched on the stick, and he felt her hand curl into a hard fist. "They could've at least let me try. I knew it wasn't going to be a picnic once I turned myself in, but you'd think bringing the _Normandy_ , the data on the Collector base and Harbinger would be _enough_."

_It wasn't enough for you_ seemed to hang in the air, an unspoken accusation.

"Shepard," Kaidan began, moving his hand off hers so that he can grip her bare arm, but whatever comforting words or empty platitude he was about to say was completely forgotten when she clenched her free hand in the front of his BDUs and slammed him down against the floor with the speed of a viper, so fast his head spun.

The cool blue illumination of the aquarium played over her face as she leaned over him, close enough for him to see her pupils dilate, to feel her warm, cinnamon-flavored breath feathering his cheeks; the stick had flown out of her mouth. His biotics flared out of sheer reflex, his body uncertain as to whether to fight or flee, even as one insistent part of him reacting to the heat radiating from her wanted to do neither. Her own power flamed to life, a dark energy field that at first enveloped them both, then began to merge with his, passing through each other and back again. It was an indescribable sensation like no other, bringing back all the times - too few - they had done this in aching, sweet clarity.

Somehow his hand was on the back of her head, the silky strands of her hair tickling his skin, the other still wrapped around her arm - all warm, soft skin and firm, hard muscle, a part of him couldn't help but notice. Compared to the cold floor underneath him, Shepard was as hot as a star, and it suddenly seemed as vital as life and death to steal some of that heat for himself. Anything to feel his nerve endings all firing at once, lightning arcing all through his veins and out of his fingers and toes and eyes, feeling more _alive_ than he had ever been. Her lips brushed against his, a quick, wet swipe of her tongue darting past his teeth, swift as a falling raindrop as he sucked in her moist breath and her scent into greedy lungs that couldn't get enough air, couldn't get enough of _her_.

Then Shepard wrenched herself away, and Kaidan caught a glimpse of frightened gray eyes before she turned around and hid her face from him, the biotic corona dying down.

It took a moment for him to recover the power of speech, and then to figure out if his lungs were working properly, because he felt as breathless as if he just ran a two-hundred meter race. His own biotics had already subsided, even if a certain part of his anatomy wasn't quite as obedient.

"Shepard? You okay?" he said instead of _Oh, God, more please_ ; he hardly recognized his own voice, it sounded so rough.

She sounded just as out of breath as he, and the words tumbled out of her mouth with little of the grace she used in diplomatic negotiations. "Sorry. Sorry. I'm just... a little sensitive when I have these... these funny turns. Sorry."

Kaidan wouldn't call them funny, exactly, if that was an example. More like... hot. He sat up, gave his heart a stern order to stop galloping, and asked, "Why are you apologizing?"

Shepard covered her face with her hands, still turned away from him. "I'm... not myself, right now."

He cleared his throat and tried to regain his composure. "So... does that mean you wouldn't want to kiss me if you _were_ yourself?"

The commander turned to give him an incredulous sideways look, before it took on a certain smoldering intensity. "I'd do that... and more," she crooned in a low and smoky voice that made his mouth go dry. "If you'd let me."

Kaidan barked a laugh. " _Let_ you?" He got to his feet and held out his hand. "Look, why don't we get off the floor and sit on the couch, and talk like civilized people?"

The commander reached out, then hesitated, as if she were afraid of what would happen, even as he hoped that it would, that maybe they could finish what she started. But while he understood the fear of losing control - no one better than him - he wasn't about to allow that fear to rule her. After a moment, she put her hand in his and let him pull her to her feet. He was almost disappointed by the lack of a reaction, but the small smile on her lips when his fingers lingered on hers was worth it.

Before the silence could get too awkward, Shepard said, "Well, I guess if you're not going to go away, you might as well stay for tea. Sit where you like."

He sat down on the couch and watched as she took out a teapot from a cabinet and disappeared into the bathroom to fill it. The agitation on her face faded as she settled into the old ritual, putting two delicate cups on the low table, with mats underneath, all of it placed just so. The significance was lost on him as usual, but it seemed to ground her, and he pretended not to notice how her fingers were trembling ever so slightly.

The can of tea leaves looked brand new, painted black, and was decorated with stylized cherry blossoms, releasing an aromatic perfume when Shepard opened it. "A gift from Kasumi, the thief I told you about," she explained as she took a pinch and dropped it into the teapot. "She swore up and down that she didn't steal it, but I still don't know if I believe her."

"I don't know much about tea, but it sure smells nice." Kaidan took an appreciative sniff as steam began to rise; it went well with the faint scent of incense in Shepard's cabin.

She sat down near him, close, but not too far away, either; he tried to be encouraged by that. "Do you remember those late night bull sessions we had in my cabin on the old SR-1?"

"Yeah," he said with a chuckle, looking on as the commander poured tea with a gentle up-and-down motion that didn't spill a drop, like he'd seen her do hundreds of times before, in a different time, a different ship. "I, uh... I miss that, Shepard. Talking with you - being with you."

She handed him a cup, left hand holding the bottom, the right on the side; he had to touch her fingers to take it, but she didn't immediately let go. "I miss it, too," she said, holding his gaze. Then she looked away again, and sighed. "If I only had my head screwed on straight..."

Somehow they had meandered away from his original question, and come back to it by way of a long, not unpleasant detour. "What do you think is causing these... 'funny turns'?"

Shepard shrugged, using the nonchalant motion to hide her unease - and maybe a little anger. "I don't know. Maybe wearing biotic dampeners for six months has something to do with it."

Kaidan didn't know why he hadn't noticed them before, when Anderson brought her to the courtroom - it should've been hard to miss the big ugly bracelets on Shepard's wrists. Maybe it was just the shock of meeting her again, six months after finding her half-dead in a pile of dead batarian terrorists, except she was clean, fit, and healthy, back in Alliance BDUs, instead of strung-out, badly wounded and distraught - and looking as beautiful as ever.

It wasn't until they were on the shuttle, headed for the Alliance outpost on Mars, that he saw them. Not even Anderson had had the authority to get them off completely - only enough to turn off the damned things - and a good thing, too, or they would never have made it to the spaceport. It had taken Hackett's top-level access codes to get her out of them, Joker told him, and Kaidan had heard the bitter anger in the pilot's voice, under the usual sarcasm.

And when he finally figured it out, everything snapped into place, explaining the awkward coolness between him and Shepard: James's presence as her constant shadow, the gentle but firm stonewalling whenever he asked Anderson for any news beyond the fact that she wouldn't be turned over to the batarians after the Alpha Relay incident. And his mouthing off about her Cerberus connections on Mars had probably not helped in the least.

The fragile hope that they had built, in the ruins of an abandoned human colony on an unnamed world, that they could move past Horizon, past Cerberus, past her death, seemed shattered beyond repair. 

But then there were the little things, too, like the brownies she had brought him at the hospital, that she had made herself, the fact that she visited at all, the look in her eyes as they stared over the guns they had pointed at each other, the catch in her voice when she told him in the airlock that no, she could never have shot him. And then there was that interrupted kiss, and the fact that she hadn't thrown him out of her cabin.

He turned his attention back to the here and now. "What happened to them, anyway?"

Her lips tilted up on one side in genuine amusement. "James called me down to the shuttle bay to witness a little ceremony he and Cortez came up with. They were going to throw them out the airlock, but then Joker suggested melting them down into omni-gel. They decided to build a new targeting circuit board with it for one of the Kodiak's missiles."

"Huh." Kaidan's lips quirked. It did sound just like something they'd think up. "I don't think James enjoyed being your jailer very much."

Shepard snorted and shook her head. "Yeah, I know. It would be easy to hate him, but I can't. The big lug still looks up to me, for some reason."

He grinned, because it was obvious it made her uncomfortable. James might hide his admiration behind bluster and flirting and teasing, but it didn't take a genius to know he'd charge into hell if she asked. "Think there might be a little hero worship there?"

"Wipe that smirk off your face, hypocrite," she retorted, giving him a light punch to the shoulder. "I still can't believe you were crass enough to be all excited about my part in the Skyllian Blitz right after I told you about Mindoir."

Kaidan ducked his head, wincing at the memory, and took a sip of the tea. It had a little bit of mint, a little bit of spice, and a little bit of herbs; high quality stuff, if he was any judge - not that he was. "I can't believe it, either. I was just so glad to see you, that you woke up, that you didn't blame me for the beacon - I... well, I babbled."

Shepard smirked as she turned to face him, with that I-know-a-great-joke quality in the mysterious curve of her lips; it never failed to stop his heart. "It was very cute babbling, which is why I forgave you."

"Are you going to forgive me if I turn this conversation back to the reason why I'm here?" He stifled a sigh when her smile faded. "I'm just... I'm worried about you, okay? I want to make sure you're all right, so that you won't be scared of your own power. You know as well as I do what could happen if this subverts your training."

She looked down into her cup. "Not because I'm needed to fight the Reapers?"

Kaidan set his cup aside and took hers out of her limp hand so that he could hold it. "No - because I'm a selfish prick and I want you." _And I want you to want me without being afraid of losing control._

That surprised her, and she laughed like he'd hoped - and she didn't shake him off, either. "Kaidan, you're one of the most generous and compassionate people I know."

He rubbed circles on the back of her hand with his thumb. "Doesn't change the fact that sometimes I want to tell the galaxy to go to hell and keep you all to myself."

Shepard glanced down at their joined hands, a hint of a smile making a reappearance. "I'd pay good money to see you say that to Hackett's face."

"I just might, one of these days." His career was important to him, but it sure as hell wasn't as important as Shepard's well-being, and he certainly wasn't going to let rules and regulations keep him from her. Not anymore - not here, not now.

She looked up and met his gaze. "I know it would be irresponsible of me to ignore this problem, and the last thing I want is for my biotics to get out of hand, but I don't think it's something you can help me with."

Kaidan filled their cups with more hot tea and handed one to her - he was probably holding it wrong, but she didn't complain. "Why don't you let me be the judge of that? I learned a lot - more than I expected - when I began teaching my students."

"Well, Mordin thinks - thought - it has something to do with wearing biotic dampeners for so long." A look of sorrow passed across her face, swift as a racing cloud over the sun, before she tried to hide her face behind her cup.

"Mordin Solus? He's that brilliant salarian professor, right? Former STG?" He remembered seeing a holo of the man in the dossier on Shepard's old crew, and thinking he looked remarkably scarred for a spy.

"Yeah. He helped cure the genophage, but he didn't..." One side of Shepard's mouth tilted up in a sad but proud smile, which gave Kaidan enough information to fill in the blank. "He said it had to be him - someone else might've gotten it wrong. And he was right."

Kaidan slid closer and wrapped his arm around her waist, being careful not to spill the hot tea. "I'm sorry."

He counted it as a small victory when she leaned her head on his shoulder, and he wondered what it cost her to let her guard down even that much. The abnormal warmth of a biotic seeped into him, like the sun on a hot summer day.

"He was a good friend, even if we did argue a lot about ethics... and he helped me feel less like a cybernetic monstrosity, when he didn't have to do anything more than help me defeat the Collectors."

"I wish I could've met him," he said as he rested his chin on top of her head. The subtle floral scent of her shampoo mingled with the delicate aroma of the tea.

He heard her quiet laugh. "You would've liked him, I think. He was a tech nerd, too; I'm sure you two could've spent hours just talking about omni-tools alone - assuming he'd ever let you get a word in edgewise, of course."

Kaidan leaned back so that he could see her face. "So did he come up with a solution?"

"There's no quick fix-it for this, Kaidan."

"I wasn't really expecting one." He finished his tea and set the cup aside. "So what'd he say?"

"He said that the constant fighting had conditioned my body to throw out biotics constantly - he added some stuff about neurotransmitter levels and heightened endorphin production that I didn't really understand at all, but Dr. Chakwas agreed with him."

Kaidan thought it through; the salarian's diagnosis did seem to corroborate his omni-tool data. "So that means you're fine if you've been fighting, but you're in trouble if you've had any downtime at all. And you spent six months under house arrest."

"Yeah. He said my body chemistry would learn to balance on its own, but until it does, it's... going to be rough." Shepard sighed as she finished her tea, a despairing, hopeless little sound that nearly broke his heart.

"What if... what if we spar in the shuttle bay?" he said, measuring out the words with care. "With biotics, I mean. Wouldn't that help bleed off some of that extra adrenaline?"

"I... I don't know." She lifted her head and stared at him. "You'd do that for me?"

"Why wouldn't I?"

It was the first time he'd seen Shepard actually at a loss for words outside of the Council chambers. "I figured it would bring up bad memories -"

Kaidan shook his head. "Haven't you been paying attention? I've got students now - or I did before you invited me back onto the _Normandy_ \- did you think I could teach them anything worthwhile without giving at least some hands-on lessons? Besides, with the Reapers tearing the galaxy to pieces, I can't let myself be coddled anymore."

Shepard settled back against his shoulder, but then she looked down at her empty cup instead as she turned it around in her fingers. "Sorry. I guess... sometimes I feel like I'm still scrambling to catch up."

"Well, you've been busy. You could stand to be a little less busy, in fact." He felt her slight flinch when he raised his hand to touch the dark circles under her eyes, but she subsided and let him trace the faint lines on her forehead. "You're not going to win this war all by yourself."

Under his chin, he felt her head turn towards the messy pile of datapads on her desk, just visible beyond the model ships in the display. "Ain't that the truth. If I'd known this war could generate this much goddamned paperwork, I would've told Anderson to shove it."

He smiled against her hair. "No, you wouldn't."

Kaidan felt his skin prickle as her sigh blew warm across his neck. "Okay, I wouldn't," she muttered.

Sliding his chin down until his mouth was at the delicate shell of her ear, he murmured, "Why don't you let me take care of some of it? It's not like I've got a lot to do right now without my students with me. It'd take a bit of the load off you."

There was just the tiniest little waver in her voice when she said, "You mean... like you did before?"

On the first _Normandy_ , she meant. "Yeah. Just like that."

"You're not my staff lieutenant anymore." There was both immense pride and quiet regret in her words, and they made his heart suddenly grow three sizes too big for his chest.

His mouth slid to her temple, and pressed a kiss there. "No... but I can be your major."

Kaidan had a split-second glimpse of her blinding smile before she threw her arms around his neck. "The best ever," she whispered.

A chime from her terminal startled them both. "What lousy timing," he grumbled as Shepard extricated herself. The soft, apologetic kiss she pressed against his forehead almost made up for it, though.

"Sorry, Kaidan, but I have to take this message," the commander said, grimacing as she climbed the shallow steps to the office area of the cabin.

"Yeah, I know." He picked up their cups and the teapot, and took them into the bathroom to wash; it was a small thing compared to being able to destroy Cerberus turrets, but he did just promise to help any way he could. The grateful smile she gave him was worth any amount of unwashed dishes.

When he was done, he came out and saw that Shepard was rubbing her forehead, as if she were already anticipating a headache. She'd found her cinnamon stick, and was chewing on it ferociously.

"Uh, Shepard?" he ventured.

She didn't look up from her terminal. "Yes?"

"The next time we dock at the Citadel, do you think you'd have time to catch dinner with me? My treat, of course," Kaidan said, doing his best to keep the nervousness out of his voice. Maybe he should've just stuck to his original plan to send the invitation by mail - there was less chance of sticking his foot into his mouth that way.

The commander stared at him like he'd just grown mandibles and a fringe. She took the stick out of her mouth and said, "Kaidan... are you asking me out on a _date_?"

He set the teapot and cups down on her desk, and cleared his throat. "I, uh, I guess I am. I think we could both use a little breather, don't you?"

Shepard's slow smile was everything he'd hoped for. "Yeah... I guess we could, at that. Did you have a place in mind?"

Kaidan relaxed, now that she hadn't refused him outright. "I was thinking Apollo's, that little cafe on the Presidium. We could go together, or - wait, I know you're usually busy, what with everyone and their dog asking you for help, so maybe I could pick you up, or maybe give me a call -"

The commander pressed a finger to his lips to still his babbling. "We can go together."

"Great! That's great," he said, relieved beyond measure. He began backing up to the door, before he could say or do something to shatter the moment - or worse, change her mind. "That's really great. I, uh, I'd better let you get back to work."

When the doors closed, hiding Shepard's grin from view, Kaidan turned and pumped a fist into the air. Yes!


End file.
